Friday, September 30, 2005



Friday, September 16, 2005

A Heart Attack Today, Almost

I went to this Chinese restaurant to get a take-out for lunch today. I’ve been to this place a hundred times if not more, and as usual I ordered the Fish Filets with Vegetables. While I was eating my lunch at my cube, I was utterly satisfied with the food until I saw something that I was not supposed to see.

A worm. (I really don’t know how to put it in a better way not to gross the hell out of my dear readers.) A worm!! A fucking worm!!!! It’s green; it’s dead; it’s about one and a half centimeters long; and it’s staring at me!!! I looked at it for five seconds. During this precious moment, I told myself “hey, you are Chinese, this is nothing, you’ve seen worse, you are 10 times better than those Americans, come on, let’s handle it in a civilized way, don’t make a big fuss out of it, just calm down, throw this little creature out, and finish the fish, you need the protein, you can do it” ……. Five seconds later…..

FUCK!!!!! MY FUCKING FOOD!!! THIS’S FUCKING GROSS!!!” I screamed in my cube. I started to sweat. My forehead all got wet. My hands were shaking. I could barely breathe. I could not even see well.

“What happened? Are you OK?” my colleagues were confused. “Just look at it yourself please” I was too weak to tell the truth. “Is it what I think it is?” a colleague asked after looking at my lunch box. “Yes, unfortunately it’s exactly what you think it is” “Then, you are fucked.” “Yes, unfortunately I am fucked.”

Then, an Indian VP came over and took a look. “Sweet, it’s a worm!” he was pleasantly surprised. “Sweet? I don’t know how it tastes, my friend, but I guarantee you that it’s not sweet. It’s a fucking worm!!” I was totally pissed at this worm-in-the-food situation.

The only female in the group finally asked the question that she wanted to ask for a long time “Did you eat the worm?” “NO, of course NOT!” “Oh, well….. sorry about the whole thing” But somehow her voice revealed a sense of disappointment.

Now after 5 minutes of rest and plenty of water to rinse my mouth, I calmed down and started to reflect what I’ve just did. A sense of overwhelming guilt just hit me. I am really ashamed of myself. The unbearable fact is I am no better than any Americans. I am weak. I am soft. I am a chicken. Fuck, I am not even a chicken. Even chicken eats worm. It is official now: I am a disgrace to my fellow country men. After spending 7 years in US, I degenerated to a level I’ve never envisioned: I act like a light-hearted American now. How I wish I could go back to those good old days, the time I could drink a bow of soup (with a fly drown in it) without a sweat.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I love Netflix!

First of all, Netflix is not my wife’s name. It’s not even a woman. (Not a man either.) For those who have never heard of Netflix before, it’s an inexpensive online DVD rental service that sends your selected DVDs through mail. I have been a Netflix subscriber for about half year now, and all I can say is “wow”. As a movie lover, I absolutely recommend Netflix to anyone who also enjoys movies.

I used to hate rentals. To rent a DVD is painful, and to return it is even worse. I usually couldn’t find the movie of my first choice and had to settle for something else. That’s why I ended up buying quite a few DVDs. But Netflix is different. You can actually rent movies without driving, walking, or flying to any rental stores. All you need to do is to select the movies online and they will magically appear in your mailbox couple days later. When you are returning the movies, you simply put the DVDs into the pre-paid envelops and send them out through regular mail. Netflix is simple, painless, and hassle-free. There is no late fees, no unavailability, no irritating waiting line, no need to sign your credit card every time you rent, no complicated planning when to make the trip to the so-called-“nearby”-but-actually-not-so-close Block Buster.

It is not only convenient, but also cheap. For an unlimited 3-disc out plan, it’s only $18/month. If you watch 9 DVDs a month, it’s just $2 per movie. It’s a lot cheaper than buying the DVDs and watch only twice, if not less. It’s also cheap compared to movie theaters. The mere 18-bucks probably only covers one person for one movie in NYC nowadays. I am paying about $80/month for my cable, but I seldom watch them now (unless it’s sports-related) after I got Netflix.

Another major benefit of Netflix is the movie selection it offers. The movie database on Netflix is massive. With over 50,000 titles, it’s extremely difficult to find nothing interesting (unless you are chronically depressed and suicidal). The Netflix system is actually very smart. It can recommend movies to you based on your past rating and renting history. You may end up watching some very entertaining French or Spanish movies that you’ve never heard of. To be honest, Hollywood sucks right now and I am very disappointed at most of the stupid crap that pours out of this American pop-culture garbage can. So I’d rather grab a beer and watch great movies from all over the world at the convenience of my own apartment.

I can’t say enough good words for Netflix. You have to join it to experience this wonderful service.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Scary Babies

Today is one of those annoying take-your-baby-to-work days. The crying and screaming cacophony makes me dizzy. To be honest, I can’t think of any legitimate reason to take a baby to work. “Baby” and “work”? Are you kidding me? Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never seen any baby sitting in front of a computer working on excel spreadsheets.

I believe the presence of babies is very bad for the business. In additional to their superior ability to make noises and disturb the hell out of everyone around, they actually somehow lower your intelligence level substantially. Take me for example. When I first met Ethan, my friend’s 6-month old cute boy, I was like being brainwashed and couldn’t even tell right or wrong. I could sit in the couch several hours straight just pointlessly looking at Ethan, and laugh at any tiny thing that he does. I even laughed when he spits. What's wrong with me? I was so easily entertained that I felt like a zombie with zero intellectual capacity. What's really scary was that I was not alone. Everyone around the baby that day acted strangely. Something profound had happened in that house and I am pretty sure of it. The baby seemed to have some kind of mind control ability and just rendered all of us brainless. Now I think about it - wow, that’s creepy!

Babies are monsters!!! Remember you’ve been warned.

Thursday, September 01, 2005


最近终于忍不住找了个健身教练,忍痛割血啊,在信用卡帐单上签名的时候,咬着牙的对自己嘟囔着:“妈的,不就是钱么?!”找这个教练其实也是有缘由的。自己泡在健身房里也算有年头了吧,效果虽然有,但实在不算显著,与自己的目标相距甚远。(我的目标其实很简单,就是要寻找那传说中的六片腹肌,反正我只听说这东西人人都有,但就不知道是长在什么地方的)每个月的会员费我也照交,锻炼起来却总是三天打鱼两天晒网的,冬天一来连续5个月不去健身房的事情我也做过,呵呵,所以时不时有浪费钱的内疚感。那天正在练胸肌的器械上开小差呢,一个憨厚无比又粗壮无比的黑人健身教练就来给我搭茬。(估计我是那种一看就知道的后进生。)聊着聊着,他突然蹦出一句“I will give you the results that you are looking for!”。嗯,他的目光中闪烁着的夺目光芒我现在还记得。我当时一听,就好似五雷轰顶般的呆若木鸡,“难道… 难道….我这辈子还真能找到那传说的腹肌?”我就像中了邪一样开始傻笑。直到他让我拿出信用卡的时候,我才恢复神志。

但通过这几次的训练,现在觉得这钱花得实在挺值。每次锻炼归来,真能感觉到自己的肌肉呼啦呼拉的长,那感觉很奇妙,这也就是所谓“茁壮成长”的感觉吧。我以前一直特别喜欢健玩身以后那种肌肉酸酸的感觉,觉得很有成就感。不过现在可惨了,有点“be careful what you wish for”的味道,因为我现在每天晚上都是肌肉酸痛的在床上到处打滚。一个礼拜两次的训练,让这种疼痛感源源不断的,一波接一波的涌来,排山倒海一般。我有一次连做梦都是肌肉酸痛的。